"Ooh that looks pretty- Fuckin Shit!?"

The above are words that this writer ended up yelling in the middle of a Thai forest, whilst on top of an elephant that decided it would be fun to go down a hill substantially steeper than I would allow such a beast to take while carrying people...

...that's right, on top of an elephant.

Yesterday, our group made tracks to the Mae Sae Elephant Camp outside of Chiang Mai. And by "outside of" I mean an hour's drive through some city, some country, and then up a mountain. And when we arrived there, we got exactly what the name promised: boatloads and shit-tons of elephants.

While the main reason our group had been brought had to this wondrous place (besides the fact that elephants are inherently awesome and that we are suckers for tourist traps) was that there was a show we could see involving elephants showcasing their various skills, namely rolling giant logs with their heads, placing hats on people, kicking giant soccer balls into goals, and painting, there was something else that caught mine and gringo's eye: a ticket booth for buying a ride on an elephant.

The ticket itself cost 800 baht, split two ways (between gringo and myself), thus coming to a grand total of 400 baht each, which translates to about 13 dollars American. Despite this horrendously cheap price for riding a great beast, the ticket has claimed the rank of "Most expesive thing I have bought in Thailand". That should just put into perspective how inexpensive things are here, and how much coming back to America with all it's fancy expensive whatnot is going to suck.

As we approached the loading area, one of the trainers waiting to take tickets yelled something to the people bringing the elephants something about us "farang". What we assume they said was something commenting on the size of gringo, as the elephant waiting to bear us away was taken off somewhere and replaced by the biggest, meanest, tusk-iest, elephant I had ever seen.

I named him "Mr. Peanut"

And so we were off. We were locked into the seat and the trainer atop the elephant's head went about trying to get the paciderm up the hill and on to the trail. But Mr. Peanut didn't move. He mumbled something in elephant (which might have been anti-semitic, I can't be sure) and essentially refused to move. Thus, the trainer went about pulling at the beast's ears and whacking it with a stick, and every once in a while looking back to give us an encouraging smile. It was after about five or som minutes of yelling profanities at the animal that the trainer finally got a response out of it and we made our way up the path, with both of its riders wondering if this was really such a good idea.

About halfway through the trek, the trainer pulled the elephant off to the side of the path, turned around, and asked "photo?" We took that to mean we should take a picture of him and did so. But when he shook his head and put his hand out, we got the idea that we had been mistaken. He ended up taking gringo's camera and then proceeded to leave the elephant. So there we were: atop an ornery animal that weighed a good deal more than anything we were equipped to deal with, with our trainer and guide gone, presumably having stolen gringo's Canon. Turns out this was not the case, and after a few shots, he was safely back with us, and we continued our trip.

An elephant is not an easy thing to ride. They are jerky beasts and sitting where we were sometimes felt more like a amusement park ride than a relaxing trip through the woods. Whenever we went down hills, we would slide forward, held in place by only a slim metal bar and our will to not be stomped by an elephant we had fallen off of. When we got close to edges of ravines, I would wonder if it would be possible to escape should the elephant try to roll down the hill. And when Mr. Peanut decided that he wanted to go into the river, whether the trainer liked it or nor, I asked myself if I had made peace with a higher power yet. Luckily, the elephant decided that it was, in fact, not a good day to die, and we escaped with our lives and dryness intact.

And thus ended our journey with an elephant. We laughed, we cried (in fear), and we even got a few good shots for our photo albums. So, all in all, a good experience to be had by all.

That is, until an elephant tried to steal my wallet.